27

I have written this entry so many times in my head, but each time it sounds silly and petty, and really not worth publishing. But here I sit again, writing away and attempting to put thoughts onto paper.

Something in the past few weeks has my mind racing, and each time I form a coherent thought, it seems that I must modify it; it is an endless cycle. So the rendition you read here may not be as tuned as the rendition I may conjure up tomorrow, my apologies.

So I am now twenty seven years old. What does that mean? And what have I learned? How far have I truly come? I will attempt to answer these based on my current understanding; please indulge me my long-winded nature, and I apologize up front for any boredom which may ensue from these monologs.

Beginning earlier this month, I had considered the place from where I had come, the years of growth and what I had learned. I even posted something last year on MySpace which really did an almost decent job of summing up my thoughts on the issue, but again I will lay it out here for you.

Our society is given to the idea that with age must come material witness of success, and wisdom shall also be expressed in such terms. Meaning, if one has grown older, his success should be marked by what he owns. If I am a successful business man, I own a nice car and wear a suit; if I'm good with people and have gained great popularity, I would have many social gatherings and my presence should be highly sought after. With age it also seems that financial success would be measured in such material terms - financially well-set people should own nice houses, clothes, entertainment, etc.

But I question that success.

Others in our society may argue that non-material markings would show success. For example, achievements. What has one achieved in his lifetime to mark success? Money is cheap, but fame is lasting. Right?

It is sad for me to look at what my world would call success, and realize that I do qualify for all of that success in my measure. I have two great cars, modern technological equipment, a house, hundreds, if not thousands, of friends, national fame for specific accomplishments, and even a great deal of nice clothes and entertainment. But what is the story behind that, and what does all of it truly mean? Am I successful?

I would answer that, yes, I am successful, but that it truly has absolutely nothing to do with those things mentioned above. In several cases, I would argue that what I have in material possessions and claims have hindered me, if not altogether blocked me from what I must define as success. If I had not these things, I wonder if it would have taken me until this twenty seventh year to begin to see what is truly valuable? Oh, I had an idea, and I believe that in my younger years I even understood the concept quite well; but it has become clouded with time and bustle. The bustle of getting on with life, moving up in the world, worries of every kind. Those types of worries which God despises.

And it is those same worries which now I fight.

My brother was married one week ago today (yes, it is Saturday, even if it is 1:01am). During and after the wedding, I began thinking rather hard on worry.

In the past, I have often volunteered for things like audio-visual assistance, general organization, master of ceremonies, kitchen help, and quite a few other types of help to people getting married, graduating, or even having simple birthdays and small parties. In each case, my body reacts to timing-based stress in only one way: it turns into one giant knot. Not comfortable, nor even productive, but that's how its always been. It often feels, as I realize afterward each time, that I hold my breath throughout, hoping all comes out well, or that I can make it appear that it went well to everyone else. And once its over, I breathe out and survey the aftermath. Only then do I see just how silly and frivolous my worry has been; does anyone remember an incorrect song choice during a dance, a short pause before a speech for technical difficulties, an absent dash of pepper in the wrong dish, or that RCA jack that had to be replaced last-minute? Probably not. But my body remembers, because I became quite literally sick at each juncture of "failure."

But at my brothers' wedding, I relaxed. My part was completed. All I had to do was follow the script, and enjoy the evening - which I did. Thoroughly. And afterward I thought to myself what fun it had been to allow the event to pass, to receive my instructions as I needed them, and complete my tasks as they were timed. I wasn't in charge, and I then had not a worry in the world. The smiles I had feared for so many months before, walking down the isles to and from the stage, were honest, brilliant and genuine - to the point that I was laughing because I was having such a good time. No forced grins or sideways wax-smiles. It was all so easy.

I made special effort to thank those who directed the event, allowing me to enjoy it, but in each case I do not think they could understand my contentment with their assistance, nor the freedom with which they provided me for the evening; I don't think they could have understood how valuable of a role they played in making that night one of the most blessed and amazing nights of my life thus far.

The next day I considered the freedom I had experienced, and immediately I wished that the same freedom could exist in my every-day life. To be able to step up to each task as it is assigned, to take it one moment at a time, and to enjoy each moment, rather than wishing them all to pass. This was the strongest desire I can remember ever having, and I broke down into tears thinking that, just perhaps, this was possible. At this time I also realized that I had built up everything in my life to my own expectation. Yes, I trusted people to help me, but not beyond what I knew I could fix or cover, should they ever fail. I allowed things to flow quietly until I suspected that there may be a problem or a hitch in the process, at which point I swiftly took back the control over each item to be sure it ran according to my plan.

This included my spiritual life, sadly. I realize now that I trusted God only to a point. If He failed me, or, rather, if I thought He had failed me, I took over again. This was not faith - it was testing to see if God would do things my way, and only trusting Him so long as He did.

For some time I've thought that hindsight is a cruel and harsh instructor, but when heeded, it can provide some of the most amazing learning. And I am looking back and learning today, this week, this year. As I allow myself to realize how stubborn, unbelieving, faithless and downright selfish I am accustomed to acting, I can see the clear answers to so many questions and frustrations I have had in my recent past. Frustration from lack of direction, lack of "success", requirements, expectations; questions about purpose and free will and the cliched meaning of life (no, it is not 42).

So many times we humans look in all the wrong places for answers to life's most important questions, and here I was guilty. But now it began slowly to make sense, to dawn on me, what my problem was/is. In my worrying, I demonstrated no faith, and in my control, I demonstrated no belief. There's a rather wrenching statement I have heard a few times which says that, "…even Satan believes in God." What does that mean? Does that mean that one can believe in God and still have no understanding or relationship with Him?? I strongly suspect just that. For that matched me exactly.

But in longing for freedom from worries and strife, and seeking a way to release my stress, I found my answer in my Lord. I don't know how I changed, or what it was that triggered my findings - for, honestly, I have wished for this all of my life; wished to understand my Creator, His purpose for me, and how exactly I should interact with Him. Its all so easy to simply say that we should worship and praise and thank Him, but at some point, coming down to the "brass tax" of the matter, that's still very ambiguous.

After the wedding, with these thoughts heavy on my mind, I began to try to change my lifestyle. I began to rely on God, not just in general or in a difficult situation where I had "no other choice", but in everything. Well, almost everything. I'm not there yet. I began with a song we often sing - the words simply shouting out, "…praise Him when I'm laughing…praise Him when I'm weeping…praise Him every season of the soul…" I began to will myself to praise God for the good things, the bad things, and everything in-between. Humorously enough, I realized that my "bad" things were utterly laughable in reality, but even that was a good place to start. And then I learned to remember to thank Him at every blessing I could point out (which turned out to be no few items). But at each shift in my thought process, a little worry was freed from me.

It is becoming a very important thing to me to remove the rest of this worry, and even now, so early in the game, I am seeing such amazing results. By simply recognizing that I have no control over many situations, though of course I have a preference of outcome, allowing them to pass as they will and receiving the results without requirement or expectation, I am slowly being freed from myself. At points where I have put an effort into something, I can begin to give up the control of the outcome, and just like with the wedding, someone steps in to see things through, and each time God does step in to take it up, I am amazed and I can't believe how blind and stupid I've been my entire life.

There is no point in life where things become easier. In fact, as Murphy's law would have it, all things pretty much just get worse and worse (my transliteration). But that ceases to matter now because my fate is not determined by life's ups and downs, nor are my attitude, compassion, love, personality and relationship with my Creator to be determined by such elemental and typical events. That is freedom!

I realize this is not anything new to many, or even all that profound; but then, perhaps its just something I learned a little later than everyone else. I am still thrilled to have begun to discover this though, and look forward to what it may do for the future.

As to my success, nothing I have or have accomplished can mark any real success; for success indicates an end. And the only human end is death -- can we take that hard-earned glass of orange juice with us through the final passage between lives? The company car, or the big TV? I don't think so.

But in these two things I am assured success: First, that I am right with God, and learning to understand His intention with Adam - the perfect unification of mind, will, heart and body, between God and man. Second, my interaction with the people who surround me -- am I living a life pleasing to God that would show my peers how God intended man to be? I hope I am now, and I hope that you may join me in rallying support, admonishing and assisting me in failure, and helping me to look toward the only success that has any meaning in this life or the next.

These are my musings for this year, and I wish to thank all of you who have been such great influences and advisors through my selfish years; some of you have taken a few too many hits from my wayward actions, and for those of you who are still around and willing to forgive me, I thank you - you are truly the finest in all the land that God has created and set here with me. If there is a birthday present for which I am most thankful as I move on to my twenty eighth year, it is you; thank you.

PT