Hello Kitty

My cat moved into my room this evening, at my invitation; I had missed her greatly. And as I say by my fireplace, petting her as she "prepared" her blanket for her nap, I contemplated to myself. I began to talk out loud to her and even cried a tear or two in thankfulness. She may be whiny and annoying at times, but tonight I have found nothing quite as comforting as sitting and contemplating as I pet her. I slip into a deep thought, and I find myself pulling the strings on a draw-bag containing the summary of my last year. I shall hold it.

So what is up?

One might say a great deal has passed in the deceptively simple life of the small boy known as Pete, for to me it most certainly has. But the more I look back upon it, the more I realize it is not so much that has happened, but so much that should have happened long ago.

Mistakes, perhaps, could have been avoided, as well as outright sin and foolishness. But in the life of a human such things are bound to occur as simply a result of us existing. The only question, then, is what we can learn from the mistakes, blessings, failures, wins, losses, the fun, the harsh, and the good and bad times. I feel this is the crux of life, and will define each of our lives, as it has mine over the past year.

A friend recently posted an end-of-year philosophical look-back, and I thought it was markedly brilliant to do so. It was full of wonderful ideas, such as a list of items she'd done for the first time in the past year, and more specific areas of growth and maturity she had observed along the way.

Throughout the past year, I have looked back and seen often nothing but failure. With brief reprieves and occasional somewhat-hopeful looks ahead came also despair and misery, hopelessness, and essentially, Godlessness. Yes, I ran from God many times during the year. I allowed my heart to be clouded with depression, needless depression. Even up until this week it was so. And I've struggled with my faith, always battling my feelings and my frustrations, giving in to what I wished and desired and, only after finding myself in a miserable situation, finally crying out to a God I knew existed, but in whom I had so little faith that I could not see Him. Even now I feel that my faith is so tiny that I am as a baby. The simplest struggles now seem to take root in my spirit and steal my heart against my will. Yet, I never doubt the God of Creation, the God of Life. This seems to me a very compromising statement.

So again I examine the past year and hope to glean some wisdom, some understanding and some knowledge I can take away from the experiences, and in many ways there has not been a year before in my life so packed with the lessons of this life.

I may have learned the hard way; I may have seriously degraded my life and that of some around me, and I may have wasted time moping about silly things and worthless desires, but finally I have come out into the light and may begin filing what I have learned and moving on. Yes, it has taken me nearly an entire year to come to this point from even just a single life altering experience, but it has happened. So this baby believer is born. Or reborn, as it were.

I do not know what the final perception of my person is to all of you, curious as I am to know. But my most sincere hope is that, though many of you have seen me at my worst and most horrible moments, you have also seen that God is greater than all of my flaws. I hope that you carry away with you a sense of awe and amazement that even I, a simple man with evil thoughts in his heart, can be rescued from sin and death and brought to true Life in Jesus. Even I can be saved from myself. And that truly is what I know to have happened - I was trapped in my own selfish desires, fears, and vices; I was in bondage and could not free myself. To this day, I do not know what exactly transpired to free me, but I know that it would not have been possible if my Creator had not willed it to be so, willingly and freely was murdered in place of my execution, and raised HIMSELF from the dead to ensure that it happened. My God saves, my God loves, and my God is the only God.

I hope He is your God too. And if He is, please join me every day in thanking Him for his wonders; for without him, I would be a living dead man, still worthless and hopeless, and still wreaking havoc on everything I touch.