Ok, so I am loving school this quarter. I have been taking down a running dialog with myself during class time, so I think I'll post it here for the heck of it. Its actually kinda humorous to read, so here you go.
---
Week 1:
The first day of class is interesting so far, and its not even started yet. The instructor is, for once, a perfect english speaker, and I can understand every word. I am happy about this because last class it was a chinese gal and I couldn't always understand her.
The instructor is also spunky. She is not quiet (again, thankfully), and I am thinking she'll be a good instructor. We'll see how it goes.
Class will be about two chapters per week.
I love how she knows exactly what we're looking for -- "What is expected?"
Chapters 1, 2, 3 are introductory chapters, starting with Ethics, will be the first week and a half. They are very broad, a little longer and kind of all over the place. The whole class will not be like this.
Chapter 7 starts contracts - they are harder/more technical, but they are shorter and more focused.
She says it won't be impossible, I'm happy about that! She talks to herself, and announced it - hilarious. Oh, and she's also Remy. Not Mrs. Leonard, not Dr. Leonard, and very easygoing about her name. Its "Ray-me", but she doesn't mind.
LOL she's worked as a janitor AND at a cemetery - and she's a "Ski Bum" haha.
She loves criminal law...but didn't think she would. She studied in State Planning, but went instead into criminal law and found she loved it - by accident.
My instructor also works at Trinity Lutheran College - I'll have to ask Annie if she knows her.
There's an Egyptian student in my class. 3 exchange students actually. Wow pretty cool!
All assignments are released Friday, 8am, and due the following Sunday by Midnight. No late assignments will be graded.
All questions on quizzes will be on midterm and final. Don't forget! On quizzes and homework, the only resource we are not allowed to use is fellow students.
I am liking the structure of this class - it seems both laid back and straight forward. Perhaps this "hybrid" thing isn't so bad after all. Its my first one, and I will admit I wasn't very thrilled, but it doesn't look impossible. Time to dive in! I'm actually looking forward to learning some of this stuff, odd as that may sound, and this seems to be the best venue.
OH MY WORD - 90 is an A, this is a goldmine class! WOW. So cool.
Ah, the final also does not include the first portion of information. By definition, this should be an easy class, all things considered - very relaxed. I'm sure the information will be rather challenging, but still, an excellent layout.
Hmm, an 89.6 and higher counts as an A IF I have excellent attendance and submit assignments on time, etc.
Her goal is to get our grades back to us no more than 72 hours after due date. She doesn't start grading until Monday morning, we'll probably receive by Wed-Thu. She says sometimes if people submit early, she'll grade early. Hmm. I'd really like to not be lazy this quarter, and get stuff in not only on time, but early. Exams may take longer to grade.
She says to use "rleonard@everettcc.edu" to contact her. She says to include my name and "BusA" in the subject line. Hmm. Easy enough.
This gal is an excellent instructor - I'm fascinated so far all the way though, and its been an hour and a half. I could swear its only been 20 minutes. Something interesting though, she sounds just like Alex Lewis - incredibly so. Oddly enough, its bringing back memories of Alex. I wonder how she's doing? Anyway, they're both very logical and speak with extreme clarity. Obviously this gal must, since she was a courtroom prosecutor!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Sunday, September 20, 2009
27
I have written this entry so many times in my head, but each time it sounds silly and petty, and really not worth publishing. But here I sit again, writing away and attempting to put thoughts onto paper.
Something in the past few weeks has my mind racing, and each time I form a coherent thought, it seems that I must modify it; it is an endless cycle. So the rendition you read here may not be as tuned as the rendition I may conjure up tomorrow, my apologies.
So I am now twenty seven years old. What does that mean? And what have I learned? How far have I truly come? I will attempt to answer these based on my current understanding; please indulge me my long-winded nature, and I apologize up front for any boredom which may ensue from these monologs.
Beginning earlier this month, I had considered the place from where I had come, the years of growth and what I had learned. I even posted something last year on MySpace which really did an almost decent job of summing up my thoughts on the issue, but again I will lay it out here for you.
Our society is given to the idea that with age must come material witness of success, and wisdom shall also be expressed in such terms. Meaning, if one has grown older, his success should be marked by what he owns. If I am a successful business man, I own a nice car and wear a suit; if I'm good with people and have gained great popularity, I would have many social gatherings and my presence should be highly sought after. With age it also seems that financial success would be measured in such material terms - financially well-set people should own nice houses, clothes, entertainment, etc.
But I question that success.
Others in our society may argue that non-material markings would show success. For example, achievements. What has one achieved in his lifetime to mark success? Money is cheap, but fame is lasting. Right?
It is sad for me to look at what my world would call success, and realize that I do qualify for all of that success in my measure. I have two great cars, modern technological equipment, a house, hundreds, if not thousands, of friends, national fame for specific accomplishments, and even a great deal of nice clothes and entertainment. But what is the story behind that, and what does all of it truly mean? Am I successful?
I would answer that, yes, I am successful, but that it truly has absolutely nothing to do with those things mentioned above. In several cases, I would argue that what I have in material possessions and claims have hindered me, if not altogether blocked me from what I must define as success. If I had not these things, I wonder if it would have taken me until this twenty seventh year to begin to see what is truly valuable? Oh, I had an idea, and I believe that in my younger years I even understood the concept quite well; but it has become clouded with time and bustle. The bustle of getting on with life, moving up in the world, worries of every kind. Those types of worries which God despises.
And it is those same worries which now I fight.
My brother was married one week ago today (yes, it is Saturday, even if it is 1:01am). During and after the wedding, I began thinking rather hard on worry.
In the past, I have often volunteered for things like audio-visual assistance, general organization, master of ceremonies, kitchen help, and quite a few other types of help to people getting married, graduating, or even having simple birthdays and small parties. In each case, my body reacts to timing-based stress in only one way: it turns into one giant knot. Not comfortable, nor even productive, but that's how its always been. It often feels, as I realize afterward each time, that I hold my breath throughout, hoping all comes out well, or that I can make it appear that it went well to everyone else. And once its over, I breathe out and survey the aftermath. Only then do I see just how silly and frivolous my worry has been; does anyone remember an incorrect song choice during a dance, a short pause before a speech for technical difficulties, an absent dash of pepper in the wrong dish, or that RCA jack that had to be replaced last-minute? Probably not. But my body remembers, because I became quite literally sick at each juncture of "failure."
But at my brothers' wedding, I relaxed. My part was completed. All I had to do was follow the script, and enjoy the evening - which I did. Thoroughly. And afterward I thought to myself what fun it had been to allow the event to pass, to receive my instructions as I needed them, and complete my tasks as they were timed. I wasn't in charge, and I then had not a worry in the world. The smiles I had feared for so many months before, walking down the isles to and from the stage, were honest, brilliant and genuine - to the point that I was laughing because I was having such a good time. No forced grins or sideways wax-smiles. It was all so easy.
I made special effort to thank those who directed the event, allowing me to enjoy it, but in each case I do not think they could understand my contentment with their assistance, nor the freedom with which they provided me for the evening; I don't think they could have understood how valuable of a role they played in making that night one of the most blessed and amazing nights of my life thus far.
The next day I considered the freedom I had experienced, and immediately I wished that the same freedom could exist in my every-day life. To be able to step up to each task as it is assigned, to take it one moment at a time, and to enjoy each moment, rather than wishing them all to pass. This was the strongest desire I can remember ever having, and I broke down into tears thinking that, just perhaps, this was possible. At this time I also realized that I had built up everything in my life to my own expectation. Yes, I trusted people to help me, but not beyond what I knew I could fix or cover, should they ever fail. I allowed things to flow quietly until I suspected that there may be a problem or a hitch in the process, at which point I swiftly took back the control over each item to be sure it ran according to my plan.
This included my spiritual life, sadly. I realize now that I trusted God only to a point. If He failed me, or, rather, if I thought He had failed me, I took over again. This was not faith - it was testing to see if God would do things my way, and only trusting Him so long as He did.
For some time I've thought that hindsight is a cruel and harsh instructor, but when heeded, it can provide some of the most amazing learning. And I am looking back and learning today, this week, this year. As I allow myself to realize how stubborn, unbelieving, faithless and downright selfish I am accustomed to acting, I can see the clear answers to so many questions and frustrations I have had in my recent past. Frustration from lack of direction, lack of "success", requirements, expectations; questions about purpose and free will and the cliched meaning of life (no, it is not 42).
So many times we humans look in all the wrong places for answers to life's most important questions, and here I was guilty. But now it began slowly to make sense, to dawn on me, what my problem was/is. In my worrying, I demonstrated no faith, and in my control, I demonstrated no belief. There's a rather wrenching statement I have heard a few times which says that, "…even Satan believes in God." What does that mean? Does that mean that one can believe in God and still have no understanding or relationship with Him?? I strongly suspect just that. For that matched me exactly.
But in longing for freedom from worries and strife, and seeking a way to release my stress, I found my answer in my Lord. I don't know how I changed, or what it was that triggered my findings - for, honestly, I have wished for this all of my life; wished to understand my Creator, His purpose for me, and how exactly I should interact with Him. Its all so easy to simply say that we should worship and praise and thank Him, but at some point, coming down to the "brass tax" of the matter, that's still very ambiguous.
After the wedding, with these thoughts heavy on my mind, I began to try to change my lifestyle. I began to rely on God, not just in general or in a difficult situation where I had "no other choice", but in everything. Well, almost everything. I'm not there yet. I began with a song we often sing - the words simply shouting out, "…praise Him when I'm laughing…praise Him when I'm weeping…praise Him every season of the soul…" I began to will myself to praise God for the good things, the bad things, and everything in-between. Humorously enough, I realized that my "bad" things were utterly laughable in reality, but even that was a good place to start. And then I learned to remember to thank Him at every blessing I could point out (which turned out to be no few items). But at each shift in my thought process, a little worry was freed from me.
It is becoming a very important thing to me to remove the rest of this worry, and even now, so early in the game, I am seeing such amazing results. By simply recognizing that I have no control over many situations, though of course I have a preference of outcome, allowing them to pass as they will and receiving the results without requirement or expectation, I am slowly being freed from myself. At points where I have put an effort into something, I can begin to give up the control of the outcome, and just like with the wedding, someone steps in to see things through, and each time God does step in to take it up, I am amazed and I can't believe how blind and stupid I've been my entire life.
There is no point in life where things become easier. In fact, as Murphy's law would have it, all things pretty much just get worse and worse (my transliteration). But that ceases to matter now because my fate is not determined by life's ups and downs, nor are my attitude, compassion, love, personality and relationship with my Creator to be determined by such elemental and typical events. That is freedom!
I realize this is not anything new to many, or even all that profound; but then, perhaps its just something I learned a little later than everyone else. I am still thrilled to have begun to discover this though, and look forward to what it may do for the future.
As to my success, nothing I have or have accomplished can mark any real success; for success indicates an end. And the only human end is death -- can we take that hard-earned glass of orange juice with us through the final passage between lives? The company car, or the big TV? I don't think so.
But in these two things I am assured success: First, that I am right with God, and learning to understand His intention with Adam - the perfect unification of mind, will, heart and body, between God and man. Second, my interaction with the people who surround me -- am I living a life pleasing to God that would show my peers how God intended man to be? I hope I am now, and I hope that you may join me in rallying support, admonishing and assisting me in failure, and helping me to look toward the only success that has any meaning in this life or the next.
These are my musings for this year, and I wish to thank all of you who have been such great influences and advisors through my selfish years; some of you have taken a few too many hits from my wayward actions, and for those of you who are still around and willing to forgive me, I thank you - you are truly the finest in all the land that God has created and set here with me. If there is a birthday present for which I am most thankful as I move on to my twenty eighth year, it is you; thank you.
PT
Something in the past few weeks has my mind racing, and each time I form a coherent thought, it seems that I must modify it; it is an endless cycle. So the rendition you read here may not be as tuned as the rendition I may conjure up tomorrow, my apologies.
So I am now twenty seven years old. What does that mean? And what have I learned? How far have I truly come? I will attempt to answer these based on my current understanding; please indulge me my long-winded nature, and I apologize up front for any boredom which may ensue from these monologs.
Beginning earlier this month, I had considered the place from where I had come, the years of growth and what I had learned. I even posted something last year on MySpace which really did an almost decent job of summing up my thoughts on the issue, but again I will lay it out here for you.
Our society is given to the idea that with age must come material witness of success, and wisdom shall also be expressed in such terms. Meaning, if one has grown older, his success should be marked by what he owns. If I am a successful business man, I own a nice car and wear a suit; if I'm good with people and have gained great popularity, I would have many social gatherings and my presence should be highly sought after. With age it also seems that financial success would be measured in such material terms - financially well-set people should own nice houses, clothes, entertainment, etc.
But I question that success.
Others in our society may argue that non-material markings would show success. For example, achievements. What has one achieved in his lifetime to mark success? Money is cheap, but fame is lasting. Right?
It is sad for me to look at what my world would call success, and realize that I do qualify for all of that success in my measure. I have two great cars, modern technological equipment, a house, hundreds, if not thousands, of friends, national fame for specific accomplishments, and even a great deal of nice clothes and entertainment. But what is the story behind that, and what does all of it truly mean? Am I successful?
I would answer that, yes, I am successful, but that it truly has absolutely nothing to do with those things mentioned above. In several cases, I would argue that what I have in material possessions and claims have hindered me, if not altogether blocked me from what I must define as success. If I had not these things, I wonder if it would have taken me until this twenty seventh year to begin to see what is truly valuable? Oh, I had an idea, and I believe that in my younger years I even understood the concept quite well; but it has become clouded with time and bustle. The bustle of getting on with life, moving up in the world, worries of every kind. Those types of worries which God despises.
And it is those same worries which now I fight.
My brother was married one week ago today (yes, it is Saturday, even if it is 1:01am). During and after the wedding, I began thinking rather hard on worry.
In the past, I have often volunteered for things like audio-visual assistance, general organization, master of ceremonies, kitchen help, and quite a few other types of help to people getting married, graduating, or even having simple birthdays and small parties. In each case, my body reacts to timing-based stress in only one way: it turns into one giant knot. Not comfortable, nor even productive, but that's how its always been. It often feels, as I realize afterward each time, that I hold my breath throughout, hoping all comes out well, or that I can make it appear that it went well to everyone else. And once its over, I breathe out and survey the aftermath. Only then do I see just how silly and frivolous my worry has been; does anyone remember an incorrect song choice during a dance, a short pause before a speech for technical difficulties, an absent dash of pepper in the wrong dish, or that RCA jack that had to be replaced last-minute? Probably not. But my body remembers, because I became quite literally sick at each juncture of "failure."
But at my brothers' wedding, I relaxed. My part was completed. All I had to do was follow the script, and enjoy the evening - which I did. Thoroughly. And afterward I thought to myself what fun it had been to allow the event to pass, to receive my instructions as I needed them, and complete my tasks as they were timed. I wasn't in charge, and I then had not a worry in the world. The smiles I had feared for so many months before, walking down the isles to and from the stage, were honest, brilliant and genuine - to the point that I was laughing because I was having such a good time. No forced grins or sideways wax-smiles. It was all so easy.
I made special effort to thank those who directed the event, allowing me to enjoy it, but in each case I do not think they could understand my contentment with their assistance, nor the freedom with which they provided me for the evening; I don't think they could have understood how valuable of a role they played in making that night one of the most blessed and amazing nights of my life thus far.
The next day I considered the freedom I had experienced, and immediately I wished that the same freedom could exist in my every-day life. To be able to step up to each task as it is assigned, to take it one moment at a time, and to enjoy each moment, rather than wishing them all to pass. This was the strongest desire I can remember ever having, and I broke down into tears thinking that, just perhaps, this was possible. At this time I also realized that I had built up everything in my life to my own expectation. Yes, I trusted people to help me, but not beyond what I knew I could fix or cover, should they ever fail. I allowed things to flow quietly until I suspected that there may be a problem or a hitch in the process, at which point I swiftly took back the control over each item to be sure it ran according to my plan.
This included my spiritual life, sadly. I realize now that I trusted God only to a point. If He failed me, or, rather, if I thought He had failed me, I took over again. This was not faith - it was testing to see if God would do things my way, and only trusting Him so long as He did.
For some time I've thought that hindsight is a cruel and harsh instructor, but when heeded, it can provide some of the most amazing learning. And I am looking back and learning today, this week, this year. As I allow myself to realize how stubborn, unbelieving, faithless and downright selfish I am accustomed to acting, I can see the clear answers to so many questions and frustrations I have had in my recent past. Frustration from lack of direction, lack of "success", requirements, expectations; questions about purpose and free will and the cliched meaning of life (no, it is not 42).
So many times we humans look in all the wrong places for answers to life's most important questions, and here I was guilty. But now it began slowly to make sense, to dawn on me, what my problem was/is. In my worrying, I demonstrated no faith, and in my control, I demonstrated no belief. There's a rather wrenching statement I have heard a few times which says that, "…even Satan believes in God." What does that mean? Does that mean that one can believe in God and still have no understanding or relationship with Him?? I strongly suspect just that. For that matched me exactly.
But in longing for freedom from worries and strife, and seeking a way to release my stress, I found my answer in my Lord. I don't know how I changed, or what it was that triggered my findings - for, honestly, I have wished for this all of my life; wished to understand my Creator, His purpose for me, and how exactly I should interact with Him. Its all so easy to simply say that we should worship and praise and thank Him, but at some point, coming down to the "brass tax" of the matter, that's still very ambiguous.
After the wedding, with these thoughts heavy on my mind, I began to try to change my lifestyle. I began to rely on God, not just in general or in a difficult situation where I had "no other choice", but in everything. Well, almost everything. I'm not there yet. I began with a song we often sing - the words simply shouting out, "…praise Him when I'm laughing…praise Him when I'm weeping…praise Him every season of the soul…" I began to will myself to praise God for the good things, the bad things, and everything in-between. Humorously enough, I realized that my "bad" things were utterly laughable in reality, but even that was a good place to start. And then I learned to remember to thank Him at every blessing I could point out (which turned out to be no few items). But at each shift in my thought process, a little worry was freed from me.
It is becoming a very important thing to me to remove the rest of this worry, and even now, so early in the game, I am seeing such amazing results. By simply recognizing that I have no control over many situations, though of course I have a preference of outcome, allowing them to pass as they will and receiving the results without requirement or expectation, I am slowly being freed from myself. At points where I have put an effort into something, I can begin to give up the control of the outcome, and just like with the wedding, someone steps in to see things through, and each time God does step in to take it up, I am amazed and I can't believe how blind and stupid I've been my entire life.
There is no point in life where things become easier. In fact, as Murphy's law would have it, all things pretty much just get worse and worse (my transliteration). But that ceases to matter now because my fate is not determined by life's ups and downs, nor are my attitude, compassion, love, personality and relationship with my Creator to be determined by such elemental and typical events. That is freedom!
I realize this is not anything new to many, or even all that profound; but then, perhaps its just something I learned a little later than everyone else. I am still thrilled to have begun to discover this though, and look forward to what it may do for the future.
As to my success, nothing I have or have accomplished can mark any real success; for success indicates an end. And the only human end is death -- can we take that hard-earned glass of orange juice with us through the final passage between lives? The company car, or the big TV? I don't think so.
But in these two things I am assured success: First, that I am right with God, and learning to understand His intention with Adam - the perfect unification of mind, will, heart and body, between God and man. Second, my interaction with the people who surround me -- am I living a life pleasing to God that would show my peers how God intended man to be? I hope I am now, and I hope that you may join me in rallying support, admonishing and assisting me in failure, and helping me to look toward the only success that has any meaning in this life or the next.
These are my musings for this year, and I wish to thank all of you who have been such great influences and advisors through my selfish years; some of you have taken a few too many hits from my wayward actions, and for those of you who are still around and willing to forgive me, I thank you - you are truly the finest in all the land that God has created and set here with me. If there is a birthday present for which I am most thankful as I move on to my twenty eighth year, it is you; thank you.
PT
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Love is not a fight
Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we answer in
Then commit to never leave
So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for
To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for
Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for
I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for
To come and go as we please
It's a house we answer in
Then commit to never leave
So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for
To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for
Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for
I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Wedding Jitters Etc.
So they say its the bride and groom who usually have the wedding jitters - but I'd say that significantly undermines the jitters experienced by the others in the party. Hm, perhaps I am alone in that, but anyway its getting closer, and its getting scary. I've never had a brother married before, nor have I ever been a best man, nor will I ever be again. How in the world do I deal with that?!
Its extremely exciting, don't get me wrong, but its just.......odd. Im always saying how life is gradual so we don't die of shock, but this is perhaps not gradual enough? Hahaha well maybe its just me.
So I started Lindy Hop Level 2 over again today, and I am glad - it is good for me to repeat things. A lot. lol. I think it'll take a few more times through to get me up to a decent level of ability, but we'll see what I can do.
After that, Luke and Barry had me over - it was a blast, and I'm really happy I went. :) Beth was there too, then Rachel came at hte last part and we had a great conversation.
"Lord, what would you like me to do today?"
Its extremely exciting, don't get me wrong, but its just.......odd. Im always saying how life is gradual so we don't die of shock, but this is perhaps not gradual enough? Hahaha well maybe its just me.
So I started Lindy Hop Level 2 over again today, and I am glad - it is good for me to repeat things. A lot. lol. I think it'll take a few more times through to get me up to a decent level of ability, but we'll see what I can do.
After that, Luke and Barry had me over - it was a blast, and I'm really happy I went. :) Beth was there too, then Rachel came at hte last part and we had a great conversation.
"Lord, what would you like me to do today?"
Saturday, July 4, 2009
A new chapter?
I got a job at Apple today. I can't tell you how thrilled I am - even if for only the possibility of leaving Staples one day. But its overshadowed by guilt. Dustin applied first, and they rejected him for me; that wasn't supposed to happen.
But I am very excited, it could be interesting. Now I can test out what I have wondered for so many years -- how well I would do selling Apple products at the Apple Store. Haha.
But I am very excited, it could be interesting. Now I can test out what I have wondered for so many years -- how well I would do selling Apple products at the Apple Store. Haha.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Happy Endings
I must say, I do not understand happy endings.
Perhaps it is not something poetic, something original, or even something slightly intriguing, but it is so. However, it also seems to mark a common stage of life for everyone.
The small world we live in seems to represent such a paradox. There is the grand view, the universe, the "big picture"; everything that exists, the delicate balance in which it continues, the crazy detail and amazing fact that it it just keeps on going.
But from another angle it feels something of fairy tales, comfort stories and homey coziness. Like its all happened before, its all going to happen again, and whatever is now must pass just as the rest of life. We feel all caught up in our current situations, the problems and that happiness - the joy of life and the fear of it. But the next moment, it has flipped and we're in a new place.
And we forget where we were, because it has passed.
Now we're on to new, unexplored territory; the times we call exciting and future. But like everything else, it has happened before - and throughout history continues on. And endless stream of life.
But maybe that is wrong. What if that is what is supposed to have happened? What if the intention and design on life is just that - every moment created new, whether or not it has happened before? And young hearts feel tragedy and thrills because it is new, every moment; the mystery of tomorrow, the next time, the possibilities that await. For us they are still unexplored; for this moment nothing has happened before, and nothing matters.
What is next? Only continuing on, living, hoping, dreaming, and eventually, dying. Is it a wrap? Is it pointless? Is there no reason?
I believe the answer to all of the above is no. Perhaps there are happy endings, but I don't know.
So in my narrow, predictable, simple, and now hopeful, view, I continue to live; for who knows what will happen? No one can know. I just keep on moving forward, doing all those things humans love to do most, and I hope you will join me. Soon.
Perhaps it is not something poetic, something original, or even something slightly intriguing, but it is so. However, it also seems to mark a common stage of life for everyone.
The small world we live in seems to represent such a paradox. There is the grand view, the universe, the "big picture"; everything that exists, the delicate balance in which it continues, the crazy detail and amazing fact that it it just keeps on going.
But from another angle it feels something of fairy tales, comfort stories and homey coziness. Like its all happened before, its all going to happen again, and whatever is now must pass just as the rest of life. We feel all caught up in our current situations, the problems and that happiness - the joy of life and the fear of it. But the next moment, it has flipped and we're in a new place.
And we forget where we were, because it has passed.
Now we're on to new, unexplored territory; the times we call exciting and future. But like everything else, it has happened before - and throughout history continues on. And endless stream of life.
But maybe that is wrong. What if that is what is supposed to have happened? What if the intention and design on life is just that - every moment created new, whether or not it has happened before? And young hearts feel tragedy and thrills because it is new, every moment; the mystery of tomorrow, the next time, the possibilities that await. For us they are still unexplored; for this moment nothing has happened before, and nothing matters.
What is next? Only continuing on, living, hoping, dreaming, and eventually, dying. Is it a wrap? Is it pointless? Is there no reason?
I believe the answer to all of the above is no. Perhaps there are happy endings, but I don't know.
So in my narrow, predictable, simple, and now hopeful, view, I continue to live; for who knows what will happen? No one can know. I just keep on moving forward, doing all those things humans love to do most, and I hope you will join me. Soon.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Memories
The night is chilly, but the atmosphere is excited. The cheerful answer is enough to shoot a thrill down anyone's spine. People crowd into the building, its tough to make our way through to see everything. The third floor is where things are most interesting, and where a little work needs doing. The color is dark.
***
Driving through the beautifully lit city, the excitement must shadow the evening. The time passes so quickly, who could notice the speed it happens. Arriving at the correct place its easy to park, though it takes a few minutes to find the correct building - driving through back lots, alleyways and finally hearing the music. This is a dead giveaway. The night is still crisp, chilly. The area is odd, not dangerous, but odd. The color is light blue.
***
Awkward moments can make the most impressed of memories. Those moments which are awkward, but where those involved never notice, make good memories. Staring into another's eyes is believed to create a window to the soul; though avoiding another's eyes does not entirely hide the sight. The touch is enough, starkly reminiscent of the greeting's effects. The color is pine.
***
Travel to a destination is often the most overlooked time of life; given the time it takes, however, it seems there should be made particular use of the experience, particularly given the company. But so used, it passes quicker, leaving curiosity as to the nature of time - how is it that time will pass quicker when one wishes for it to stand still, but slower than one might fear when awaiting something important just around the next minute-bend? The color is grey.
***
Food is overrated, for there is much to do with an empty mouth that may not be possible while eating. The background has faded and in view sits only another. That is, the other, in each case. Water is bliss, but so little; but it is enough. Others nod knowingly, comment snidely, and build assumptions based on anything they see, though in this perhaps they are hypocrite, or perhaps they are right. The color is orange.
***
The end in sight, one fears. But fear is irrational; can one truly lock perspective into a single view of only this moment? It is our nature; and no amount of time is enough. Relaxing, though, gives flight to words and thoughts; histories, and stories, and hurts and challenges. There is more. And more, but restrictions often hold a heart in place; the end comes. The night begins to fade, once again, but this time, permanently. Ill fated winds blow, and it is over; the night fades, all is dark. The color is Royal Blue.
***
Driving through the beautifully lit city, the excitement must shadow the evening. The time passes so quickly, who could notice the speed it happens. Arriving at the correct place its easy to park, though it takes a few minutes to find the correct building - driving through back lots, alleyways and finally hearing the music. This is a dead giveaway. The night is still crisp, chilly. The area is odd, not dangerous, but odd. The color is light blue.
***
Awkward moments can make the most impressed of memories. Those moments which are awkward, but where those involved never notice, make good memories. Staring into another's eyes is believed to create a window to the soul; though avoiding another's eyes does not entirely hide the sight. The touch is enough, starkly reminiscent of the greeting's effects. The color is pine.
***
Travel to a destination is often the most overlooked time of life; given the time it takes, however, it seems there should be made particular use of the experience, particularly given the company. But so used, it passes quicker, leaving curiosity as to the nature of time - how is it that time will pass quicker when one wishes for it to stand still, but slower than one might fear when awaiting something important just around the next minute-bend? The color is grey.
***
Food is overrated, for there is much to do with an empty mouth that may not be possible while eating. The background has faded and in view sits only another. That is, the other, in each case. Water is bliss, but so little; but it is enough. Others nod knowingly, comment snidely, and build assumptions based on anything they see, though in this perhaps they are hypocrite, or perhaps they are right. The color is orange.
***
The end in sight, one fears. But fear is irrational; can one truly lock perspective into a single view of only this moment? It is our nature; and no amount of time is enough. Relaxing, though, gives flight to words and thoughts; histories, and stories, and hurts and challenges. There is more. And more, but restrictions often hold a heart in place; the end comes. The night begins to fade, once again, but this time, permanently. Ill fated winds blow, and it is over; the night fades, all is dark. The color is Royal Blue.
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