Back in my early days I was a horrible sinner. I broke God's laws, I lived for myself and I did not understand that love is not something which can originate in the heart of a man.
I built rules and guidelines for myself to follow, and in following them, I developed arrogance and pride. Well, more pride that is. I had my fair share already.
When I was tested, having claimed to live in Christ for most of my life, I failed. I proved whose son I truly was, and I was ashamed. My life in shambles, I finally understood humility, and I crawled in my shame and slime and death to the Creator. I asked forgiveness, and I repented.
Well, I said I would repent. I said I wanted to change. I said and prayed that my life would be different, not lived for myself.
Then, with this in mind, I continued to make decisions that were for my own pleasure. I did what I wanted to do, I thought how I wanted to think, and I continued to build up my life as I pleased.
Then I realized again all my pride and arrogance, the selfishness in which I chose to live, and all the sin I called "good" and I collapsed again. For there had been no advancement, no real change.
Devastated for a second time in my life, I raised my eyes again to the Creator, and asked what I was missing.
To be honest, I always knew what I was missing - it was God's spirit in my heart, guiding, directing, controlling. And I was missing His Word. Reading every day, seeking to learn more of His character, who He is, what He wants to be to me; what He wants of me. And to be more honest, I didn't want that. I wanted my own life, to make my own decisions.
I know what you're thinking -- I'll bet you've never said anything like that before. You never wanted to just make your own decisions. Right?
Once again, I decided to move and change. Once again, I failed.
Once again, God's spirit was absent in my life - by my deliberate choice. I won't say that there weren't times through this history where I saw glimpses of the life I knew I wanted and understood it to be what God wants. But I have come across a difficult Truth. At the beginning of this post, I mentioned, "In my early days" - and in reality, that was yesterday. And the day before.
We think that our purpose here on Earth is to "serve God." Yes, in fact it is. But that is as far as we go. We help people move, go to church, homeschool our kids, teach them to work hard, and keep them from poor influences as kids.
We assume that, when we pray, God will make our actions His own. Then we continue doing as we please, doing "our best" and assuming that God is in our actions.
When things go wrong, and it appears that life is falling apart, we cry out to God to save us.
Save us from what? We aren't sure.
Perhaps sadness? Perhaps pain? Perhaps financial complexity and misfortune? But surely, surely not our sin.
But it is from our sin that God will save us. He is praised and glorified to forgive our sin. In fact, He will not ever promise to save us from hard times; for it is through these times we are tested. But we asked to be saved, still unsure of from what we are to be saved. Not noticing from what we need saving. And again, here we stop. Once we think it's all better (God must be in our actions once again, since we prayed), we move on to "heal" and continue to live in our perceived service to God. Assuming He is in our actions, because this is what we pray.
Does this mean we are saved? Does this mean we are truly living the "Christian life"? Or does it mean we've added Christ to ourselves and carry him like a good luck backpack? In a recent visit to Disneyland, there were backpacks of various StarWars characters, and one of them was Yoda. When we carry Jesus along with us, while we go about our work, it's about as useful as carrying that Yoda backpack.
When we sin, 1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
In this I have no doubt, nor have I ever had doubt. But I have a lingering question remaining. There is a word used in all of this which is given AFTER forgiveness. It's repentance.
My first thought on this was that this must be wrong. That repentance comes and then forgiveness. But the verse above carefully states that confession of our sins brings forgiveness - it does not mention repentance.
So what is repentance? Many, and myself among them merely weeks ago, would say that repentance is realizing sin, confessing it and asking forgiveness. I asked a friend her opinion and that answer was nearly verbatim what she said.
But this is not so!!
M-W.com gives the following (worldly!) definition for the word "repent":
"To turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life"
This indicates something more than we dreamed - yet, it fits within what we know about God's character and what He requires of a righteous man or woman. Repent --- turn away. Not just now, but for EVER. Repentance defines, or rather, re-defines a lifestyle.
Repentance is an ongoing action which dictates by its mere existence as a state of living whether or not a man or woman is truly following Christ. If I sin, then ask forgiveness from God, then fall into the same sin again, there is no repentance! So why do we not turn away from our sin? Why do we not live in repentance?
A man named Paul Washer taught at a session once and I listened to a recording of the session. In it, he made a simple and profound statement that gave me further insight.
If a man could truly experience the awesomeness, power, sovereignty, justice and perfection of the Real Living God, YHWH, he would be changed simply by the observation. For this is what we lack! We see God as a man. Someone we call good, but soft. Someone we know is willing to forgive us and, yes, give His son for us. But most importantly, we see God as a man who couldn't possibly send "good" people to hell. Yes! Even so-called "Christians" believe this!
But this is not real. This is a false god. The living all-powerful, all-knowing, just God of all of creation is astounding! Terrifying! Why else should we fear Him? If this is not who God is, what is the point in even calling him a God? A true understanding of this God should be enough to bring anyone in any state of mind, in any walk of life and with any state of heart to their face on the ground, immediately realizing the purity of a Holy God. They would find themselves worthy only of the eternal perfect judgement and punishment He has prepared for those who hate Him. Furthermore, this person would understand that our nearly insignificant existence here should be spent entirely in worship and honor of this incredible being. And finally, one would realize that this God is so worthy that not only are we compelled to praise, worship, honor and call out the holiness of His Name from earth and heaven, but even from the depths of hell. Even when a just God would place us, "Good" people, in rightful eternal judgement, still is He worthy of this same honor and worship from the depths thereof -- He IS worthy!
I must conclude, with these musings in mind, that I have very rarely ever repented; though for forgiveness I have asked many, many times. I realize that my life has been lived from the perspective of a man who has never seen or believed in the real and living, loving, worthy, just and terrifyingly awesome King of all places which contain small things such as the Cosmos.
I also realize that if I really believed on this God, that I would have a sudden absolute need and drive to make repentance my entire life - and the example I lead for all to see. For repentance from sin breeds a Godly and Righteous man who may understand what it really means to serve God.
